Life & Laughter Chronicles

Written in 2023

What a 180 from the very exciting, joyful news that came before this post. Different, yet just as sweet.

What I mean to say is: I am no stranger to heartbreak. In fact, growing up, I seemed to be surrounded by it—not just in romantic relationships either. Over time, I had to start learning what it looked like to find joy even in my tears.

When my birth mom left, a part of me that trusted people left too. I watched many friendships fade within months, and I witnessed relationships (praise the Lord) that never worked out. I adopted this mindset that eventually everyone leaves—and it became something I always expected. Sometimes, I still do.

A couple of years ago, I found myself really seeking to understand who God is and what the Gospel truly means in my life. And what I discovered is that, through it all, He remained.

I don’t think I ever truly sat with what that meant—until now.

I used to cry out from my heartbreak, asking God to just hear me, to heal my heart. I asked God why. I asked Him to stop bringing people into my life if they were just going to leave. And yet, every time I went through the heartbreak, every time I wept with God, I found myself growing, becoming stronger, learning something new.

I learned to seek all my comfort in who God is—my sweet Father, who has been and is still establishing a plan for my life.

A verse that really reflects this for me is Psalm 34:4–7:

(4) I sought the Lord, and He answered me.

Marriage is something I’ve always longed for—but also something I never truly believed I would have. Right before I met my fiancé, I had come to a place where I was in love with my singleness, where I had been freed from the hurt caused by men. I even started to pray that the Lord would gift me with singleness. And if that wasn’t His plan, I began to petition Him—pleading that the next man He brought into my life would be my husband.

I was tired of feeling abandoned over and over again.

(6) This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him and saved him out of all his troubles.

Brevin Hill is not yet my husband, nor my “soulmate”—not until we say “I do.” I know that. But he is a very wise choice.

As I reflect on all I’ve been through—my beautifully messy testimony for Jesus—I remain in awe of how He hears me. Even in His “no.”

How incredibly thankful I am that He heard my cries, and after holding me for so long—tears, snot, and all—He had a plan.

A plan where:

(5) Those who look to Him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.

A plan where my past does not define my future or hold any claim on me. Where Jesus declares I am free—and I am indeed. Where I get to seek first the Kingdom of God. Where I know that while many may leave, God gives us those who won’t.

Where I can place all my trust and security in God’s plan.

(7) The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him, and delivers them.

I know that because of my love for Jesus—and the best decision of my life, which was to surrender to Him—He is going before me. He is fighting for me. He is protecting me. He hears every word and every tear.

What I do in life does not determine whether God loves me or provides for me.

Ephesians 2:8 – For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God.

What is determined is whether I will trust a perfect God—a perfect Father—to intervene in a life that I often make a mess of because I am broken.

Yet He is redeeming me, justifying me, and sanctifying me daily.

All the prayer and petition have allowed me to grow into the woman of God I was called to be—to make wise choices, like Brevin Hill. To face heartbreak. To understand that people may leave, but God is eternal—remaining forever.

All those who “left” are just a beautiful reminder that everything but God is temporary. And because of that, my refuge and salvation are found in Him alone.

So now, I get to say a new, sweet prayer:

“Dad, look at me—your daughter. I’m getting married. Praise be to You for what I do not understand, and for Your will unfolding in my life. For working through me and within me. For giving me a heart aligned with Your will in my surrender—to make a wise choice that started with a ‘yes’ after much prayer, for a first date with my fiancé.”